Chapter Three

HUSTLING HOFSVAGR AND VILE VYNGARYL

 * After a mildly peaceful journey, the Mad Lads, Kalda, and the rest of the townsfolk of Hita finally arrive at the gates of Hofsvagr. The capital city is protected by a massive wall of black stone, inscribed with ancient Skalgardian runes. At the gates, a guard halts the lads and demands to know what business they have in Hofsvagr. “I’ll need to see your passports,” the bloke barks.
 * The guard inspects each of their passports (which contain detailed descriptions of each of the Lads) to verify their citizenship. “Everything checks out,” the guard says at last. “Now who’re the rest of these people?” Daddy Kerhsgib explains with an interpretive dance all the dark events that transpired in Hita, including their unfair imprisonment and their victory over the dastardly FrostBlood bandit Hrefna. “I see,” gurgles the guard after hearing the tale. “Hofsvagr will be more than happy to accept these Hita refugees.” A scowl suddenly darkened the guard’s face. Glaring at Kerhsgib, he says to the rest of the Lads, “Your monkey friend here could really use a haircut.”  Kerhsgib ruffles his hair and notices that it is a bit too long. He could definitely use a trim.
 * The guard tells the lads to head to the commander’s outpost to inform the commander about the goings-ons in Hita. He gives them a card that will allow them a one-time free entry into the outpost. The lads talk back in forth with the guard, learn more about him, learn his name and backstory, his birthday, favorite color, favorite food, ideal significant other, biggest fear, biggest regret, and all of his dreams and aspirations.
 * After being forced to listen to this guard's whole life story, the lads enter the grand city of Hofsvagr. Once out of earshot, the lads gossip about how much they dislike that particular guard.
 * Hofsvagr is a magnificent city. Massive ornately-carved stone buildings. Beautiful architecture. The Hita residents gasp at the marvelousness of the city. The streets are packed with crowds of citizens (almost exclusively humans and halflings) going about their business. Horse-drawn carriages trundle down the streets. Strongback gets the bright idea to ran out into the middle of the road and stand perfectly still, waiting for a carriage to hit him so he can test his strength against it.
 * Mere seconds before a carriage would have surely maimed him, Strongback realized the foolishness of his actions, and ran out of the street.
 * No more messing around, the lads depart the busy street and bee-line to the commander’s outpost. Strolling into the outpost, they are greeted by the commander, a fellow named Adolf Yitler. He had a tiny, black mustache just above his upper lip, and wear a spiffy black uniform with various pins and medals on it; one of the medals had an odd symbol on it, it looked like: 卐. His hair is long and blonde and his eyes are blue. His skin is a fair, pale-ish white.
 * “Who are you freaks?” he barks in an odd accent. The lads handed the commander the card that the gate gaurd gave them, then awkwardly explained the situation to the fellow, informing him of the FrostBlades that took over Hita and the poor homeless citizens that needed refuge in the city. Adolf barked an order to one of his soldiers in a language that none of the lads knew. The soldier heiled to Adolf and responded, “Ja, meine führer!”
 * The commander said to the lads,“Those citizens will be given refuge in the city. And we’ll began making plans to hunt down and slaughter the rest of those inferior FrostBlade ungeziefer!”
 * Adolf barked at the small guard the words, “Bring mir Wasser! Ich dürste!” Only seconds later the tiny guard rushed over, bringing the commander a glass of cool water. The little guard snapped a quick heil then scuttled away. Adolf looks pleased to have the cool beverage. However, this water is a murky brown color, filled with tiny little worms and other nasty things swimming around, the commander didn’t seem to notice these irregularities.. Adolf takes a sip, promptly spits it out, and screams at the top of his lungs, “Es gibt Parasiten in meinem Wasser, die ich nicht trinken kann!” In a fit of rage he throws the glass onto the ground, shattering it.
 * The little soldier that gave Adolf the drink cowers over in the corner. The commander, his face beet red, snaps a command at another guard in his foreign language. This guard charges at the small one and lifts him up by the back of his collar. Adolf yelled something else and pointed to the ground directly in front of him. The large guard slammed the little guy onto his knees.
 * The little guard begged for mercy from the commander, “Es tut uns leid, meine führer!! Bitte! Ich habe eine familie!! Ich möchte nicht sterben!! Bitte, es tut uns leid!!!” he squealed in a squeaky voice.
 * The lads watched as Adolf ordered the big guard to execute the little one right in front of them. The big guard's face is sorrowful, he is only following orders. He pulls out his mauser from his shoulder holster and pulls the trigger. The tiny guard, terror in his lifeless eyes, slinks onto the ground, unmoving. Adolf nods his head in approval and orders the large guard to get rid of the body.
 * Stönback looked around for something to break or knock over. He spots a small stack of sandbags, that somebody probably spent a lot of time on. He pushed the stack over, spilling sand and sandbags all over the place. Malcolm repulsed away, he hates sand, for three very specific reasons. Adolf was not pleased with his precious sand being messed with, he whipped out a Mauser Karabiner 98k rifle and pointed it straight at the stony lizard, then yelled something in that strange language of his. Stönback chuckled and shuffled away.
 * The commander suddenly glares at Kerhsgib’s untidy hair and snarls, “Schneiden Sie Ihre Haare, dreckiger Affe!” Kerhsgib backflips in response. Off of the topic of hair and sand, the commander tersely gives the lads a 250 gold gift card for a store called The Sportsman’s Spirit for their hard work saving the fine white people of Hita.
 * The gang finally departed the outpost to explore the rest of Hofsvagr. They head over to The Sportsman’s Spirit to acquire some more gear for their adventures. They walk through the door and are greeted by a kind human woman named Svala. “Welcome to The Sportsman’s Spirit. I hope I can help you find something you need.” she said with a smile.
 * Stönback, a crooked grin on his face, asked, “How’s about dinner tonight?” Svala froze up for a second and mumbled, “Wh-what?”
 * “You and me. Dinner tonight. How’s that sound?” Stönback asked clearly. Svala’s cheeks flushed a rosy red, she fluttered her delicate, long eyelashes and replied flirtatiously, “Well, uh, talk to me after your friends are done here and we’ll work something out.”
 * So they’re not all talking at the same time, the lads decide to roll for initiative to determine the order. At last it’s decided: Kerhsgib goes first, Nargo second, Stönback third, Malcolm fourth, and little tiny Strongback goes dead last like the daft simpleton he is.
 * Kerhsgib buys some potions or something like usual and somehow stuffs them into his moist bindle which is already full of potions and some odd golden scales. When Strongback (who was missing a few of his scales) asks, “Whatcha got in the bindle Kerhsgib,” completely innocently and very friendly, the viscous grey ape gets very defensive and claims that they are his “special toys.”
 * Nargo buys a compass, a dagger, and a slishing kit containing all of the essentials required to slish. Svala looked askance at Kerhsgib, then told Nargo sternly, “Your friend here looks terrible. He could seriously use a haircut.” The ranger relents and buys a pair of scissors and a comb, promising to tame Kerhsgib’s wild mane.
 * Stönback asks if she has any rubber, looks around and snickers. (Nobody ever mentions this again). Then he buys something or another, perhaps a weapon, perhaps some armor, who knows?
 * Malcolm trades his plain ‘ol musket for a dragoon musket, along with some more bullets. He also buys some black powder, a master crafting kit, and some other crafting materials he’d need to make some cool stuff.  Snivelly Sally also convinces him to buy a waterproof pouch to keep all of his valuables in, so that they can’t be ruined by water. Malcolm asked the lass if she had any magic paint for sell, but Svala was fresh out. He also had the lady sew some hidden pockets deep in his leather jacket. Then he bought a grappling hook. He probably bought some other stuff too.
 * Strongback sells the three longswords strapped to his strong back and pockets the money after purchasing 4 empty bottles. He also says something about LETHAN being a loser. Lethan creeps out of the corner and SLAMS Strongback HARD. He never recovers. Lethan takes Strongback’s place in the party. From here on out, any mention of Strongback is actually Lethan assuming his identity.
 * Before leaving, the lads used the gift card Adolf gave them to purchase 250 gold worth of rations, Malcolm got all of the wheat.
 * The lads depart the store, with pockets full of new stuff. Stönback, however, hangs back to talk with Svala. “So, how about dinner tonight?” the lizard asked smoothly. Svala, completely infatuated, said she’s be available for dinner at her place at nine o’clock. Stönback wishes her well and promises to show up at nine, then leaves.
 * “Where to next lads?” Nargo asked, outside of the shop. The lads needed to head to Vyngaryl the next day, and Stönback’s date with Svala wasn’t for another couple of hours, so the lads had some time to kill.
 * “I’m going to to the music shop.” Malcolm announced, hoping that nobody would go with him, but, alas, they all did.
 * The lads’ ears are filled with the sounds of beautiful music upon entering the shop. A jolly halfling man named Dragmar was playing the piano. He greeted the lads, “Ah! Some new customers! What brings you to Dragmar’s Musical Goods?”
 * Malcolm piped up, “I’d like to buy a flute. And some flute lessons.” Dragmar slipped away from the piano (which kept playing) and rustled up a beautifully crafted, ornate flute for the gunslinger. “What the heck?” Kerhsgib demanded. “How is the piano still playing if you’re not even touching it? YOU’RE A FRAUD!!!!! A FRAUD!!!!!!!” he began foaming from his mouth, his body getting content aware scaled.
 * Ignoring the monkey, Dragmar fetched a book about Flute Playing and handed it to Malcolm. The gunslinger flicked over some gold then asked if Dragmar could enchant his flute. The musician replied, “Enchant your flute? I’m afraid that’s beyond my level of skill, my friend.” Malcolm grumbled then shuffled away, his white scarves slapping Dragmar lightly.
 * Stönback purchased a plastic, orange kazoo. He actually didn’t purchase it, Dragmar just gave it to him for free. Strongback purchased a harmonica. He left, then returned not long after to demand a refund. Everyone left moments later very displeased.
 * “What next?” Kerhsgib asked. Stönback answered, “To the College! I’m ready to enroll!” even though he was illiterate.
 * The lads swooce on over to the Hofsvagr College of Iori to see if anybody can translate the tablet the lads found in the crypt with Varlan Agathion.
 * The Mad Lads meet with some scholarly folk and start doing their usual thing, wreaking passive aggressive havoc.
 * At last Kerhsgib reveals his sus face: . Some of the scholars, upon seeing the monkey witch make this face, fled the area, feeling extremely uncomfortable. Some lady, able to withstand Kerhsgib’s Sus Face, strolled over to talk to the lads. The Mad Lads explain that they need a stone tablet translated from ancient Skalsgardian to common. The lady directs the gang to an old man named Njal.
 * The lads show the tablet to Njal and the man takes a moment to translate it. The stone tablet said something that was probably unimportant because I cannot remember it.
 * Stönback quickly checked to see if his knees where in satisfactory condition, then said, “I’d like to enroll in the college. Right now.”
 * Njal fished out a massive textbook from a desk drawer and lugged it over to Stönback. The barbarian was told to take the entrance exam on page 394. Stönback was a little reluctant to turn to that particular page, but did so anyway, upon which he realized that he couldn’t read.
 * “Uhhh dude… can you teach me how to read?” Stönback asked. Njal furrowed his brow and said, “Are you serious?” in a disgruntled voice. Stönback nodded like a child and Njal facepalmed. “No wait! Look, I can do it!” said Stönback, randomly scribbling all over the test with a pencil he found somewhere. After a moment, he handed the book over to Njal.
 * Njal graded the test and gave it back to Stönback. “You didn’t answer a single question correctly.” Njal said. Stönback promised he’d be back to try again, and the lads left the college.
 * The sun had began to set over Hofsvagr. Stönback’s date with Svala was quickly approaching. Before calling it a night, Strongback took to the streets of the “less affluent” quarter of the city. His plan was to pick up a “date.” During his search he spotted three ladies who appeared rather questionable in terms of age and gender. Strongback made a series of demands to the girls, but they all turned him down.
 * Not giving up, Strongback hunted down a pimp and gave him the business. The Pimp, a fellow named Ray Sipes, had a handful of attractive young ladies surrounding him. “Ey, can I get in on some of that?” the bloodrager asked desperately. Ray offered Strongback some of the considerably uglier girls to sleep with but the lizardfolk shot him down.
 * Fed up with trying to find a nice girl to sleep with, Strongback headed back to the lads. “Any luck?” Stönback asked. Strongback muttered something about sus then kept his mouth shut about the night’s events.
 * During the night, Malcolm, hanging out in the Hofsvagr tavern, made use of his time by reading the book about flute playing that Dragmar sold him. The gunslinger got fairly well at flute playing. Nargo, Strongback, and Kerhsgib hung around the tavern as well, ordering drinks and making merry. Stönback was off on his date with Svala.
 * At the Sportsman's Spirit, Stönback and Svala were enjoying a lovely dinner date at candlelight. They shared chit chat talk as they enjoyed their homecooked meal that Svala made. “I like a woman who can cook.” Stönback said between mouthfuls, “How are you at cleaning?” Svala didn’t quite catch what he’d said, as she was crunching down on some reeses puffs when he spoke.
 * Overall, the date went well. Stönback was a little too hopeful and, thus, was a bit disappointed when Svala didn't want to go any further with the date. Stönback marched back to the lads in the tavern.
 * Malcolm and the Mad Lads called it a night and went off to bed. Each lad purchased their own room in the tavern.
 * But before heading off to sleep, the Lads all gathered in Kerhsgib’s bedroom, except for Malcolm, for he didn’t care about the monkey’s hair. They forced the vanara to sit in a chair in the middle of the room, with a white smock fastened around his throat. All was peacefully silent. The room was illuminated by a single flickering candle. The rest of the Lads surrounded the witch. Their faces draped in shadow, the Lads began chanting something beneath their breath as they joined hands, forming a circle around the unfortunate Kerhsgib. This sacred ritual continued for several minutes, until finally the chanting ceased, and Nargo drew from his bindle his pair of scissors and comb. The scissors gleamed in the candlelight. “It. Is. Time.” said the gnoll in an empty, monotone voice. What exactly transpired next remains a mystery to all. However, the next morning when the lads awoke, Kerhsgib’s hair was inexplicably neatly trimmed and properly combed.
 * During the middle of the night, the lads heard the shrill cry of, “Steamed hams! Steamed hams! Steamed hams!” Strongback recognized the voice as belonging to the pimp, Ray Sipes. He wondered what Ray could possibly be doing at this hour.
 * The sun rose hours later and and lads awoke after a peaceful night’s rest. The gang took some time to get some breakfast, then began the trek to meet Varlan Agathion at Vyngaryl.
 * After a few hours travel, the Mad Lads arrived at Vyngaryl, Varlan shows up shortly after. “You made it!” he said, happy to see the lads again, “I’m glad you’re all here with me. I don’t think I’d be able to do this alone.” Getting down the business, the party approached an area with a conical-shaped hole in the ground that seemed to lead somewhere underground.
 * The hole is blocked by a small army of undead monsters, most of them were typical zombies, but two of them were skinny and covered in crazy red spikes. Malcolm took a preemptive shot at one of the spiky ones with his dragoon musket and the battle began.
 * ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!!!!!.
 * The original battle plan was to have the big beefy bois: Strongback, Stönback, and Nargo, form a wall just outside of the gate and protect the backline damage dealers but it quickly devolved when a few of the zombos overwhelmed and broke through the line and stole the Candyman’s Sunshine. The Zombies started bullying Kerhsgib by holding the sweet sweet lemon drops over his head. This was the last straw. Kerhsgib savagely cast a spell upon Strongback, causing him to double in size and increased his weight 8-fold. Like a big brother, Strongback walked on over and snatched up the lemon drops before stomping the bullies into the dirt.
 * Strongback’s colossal shadow loomed over the remaining zombies. They all gulped in fear before being stomped as well, leaving no survivors. Kerhsgib finally received his lemon drops, which he gobbled up like an animal.
 * With combat effectively ended, the lads and Varlan investigated the conical, downward sloping hole. Varlan, as they all slowly approached the hole, said, “Alright everyone, be extra careful. This area could give way at any moment. Even the slightest misstep could send us all plummeting into the dark cavern.”
 * “CANNONBALL!!” Stönback wailed. He cannonballed straight into the hole, causing the shifty ground to give way. The entire party began rapidly falling into the cavern. The sloped wall was at nearly a ninety degree angle, so trying to stop the slide down was next-to-impossible. Malcolm desperately tried jamming his punching dagger’s blade into the wall to slow his descent, but failed, he ended up accidentally cutting open Nargo’s skull. Everyone applauded.
 * At the bottom of the hole was an extravagant water slide. And immediately below Stönback was a large metal coffin going down the slide. Stönback landed flat into the coffin and it sealed itself shut, then continued down the slide. The rest of the party land on the slide as well. Strongback grabbed for the coffin that held his brother and desperately clung onto it, but the twisting and turning waterslide combined with the shear force of the current knocked the coffin out of Strongback’s hands.
 * “WAHAHAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Stönback bellowed inside of the coffin, rushing down the slide.
 * The slide tapered to a narrow passage with a raised floor to the left that could be stood on. Nargo, Malcolm, Kerhsgib, and Varlan all successfully clambered up onto the raised part of the floor. Stönback’s coffin fell down a 15 foot tall waterfall and landed with a splash into the still water below. Strongback went down the waterfall as well, determined to save his little brother.
 * “Is everyone alright?!” Varlan cried. Strongback called up the waterfall, “All good down here!” Varlan turned to the lads on the cave floor with him, “How about you lads? Any serious injuries?”
 * “I’m just fine.” Nargo said, right before his ankle was grabbed by a zombie in the water. The gnoll wailed as he was dragged underwater by the creature. Suddenly, two more zombies hopped out of the slide and onto the platform, one attacking Malcolm, one attacking Kerhsgib. Nargo gurgled for help under the freezing cold cave water.
 * “What’s goin’ on up there?!” Strongback called. Drawn by the loud noise, a handful of shamblers appeared out of the dark cave at the bottom of the falls. They attacked Strongback with an undying bloodlust. “OH, HELLO THERE!” a large green creature of the deep yelled.
 * ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!!!!!?!!!!.
 * The zombies attacked furiously, grabbing and biting, spreading disease wherever they went. Luckily, none of the lads contracted any illnesses from the creatures and were left with only the ones that they carried with them into the cave, namely A.I.D.S., rabies, sus fever, the black plague, the goo infection, mad cow disease, ebola, and polio; all of which were carried by Varlan.
 * Kerhsgib used Enlarge Person to make Nargo double in size and strength, the vanara also tossed him a rope so he could pull himself out of the murky depths, but even so the ranger could not break free from the zombie-crustacean that was clinging to his ankle like a leech clinging to the nose of Lethan. On and on the gnoll struggled, but could not escape the shambler’s grabby-hands. Thus, Nargo spent the entire battle trapped underwater. How he didn’t drown is anyone’s guess. Actually, the battle was only 30 seconds, max, so it was very reasonable that he didn’t drown.
 * Down the falls, Strongback was defending his brother against the endless onslaught on zombies. It seemed that for each shambler Strongback slew, two more appeared in its place. The creatures vastly outnumbered the lizard, and they were starting to become a real problem as they surrounded the bloodrager, attacking him from all sides. If only he had Great Cleave. “I could use a little help here, fellas!” he roared, but Kerhsgib and Malcolm were dealing with problems of their own. Finally, Strongback had had enough! Unleashing a beastial roar which echoed throughout the cavern, he slished two and fro with his gore-stained claws, losing control of himself and becoming a wild beast that the likes of which would make Carl Huise-er tremble in fear as his precious French croissant is ripped from his desperate, manic grasp.
 * Malcolm and Varlan are at the top of the falls blasting the freaks with bullets and spells. Varlan lifted his fancy ring into the air and did his usual thing, sent strands of red light surging through the air, impacting the zombies. Malcolm put the barrel of his scatterpistol directly against the head of the zombie in front of him. His finger lingered over the trigger, there was a zero percent chance of missing the shot, absolutely zero percent chance. Suddenly, DM Kel came up and nudged Malcolm’s gun to the left right as he pulled the trigger, causing him to miss the shot. Daddy Disgusting chuckled at Malcolm’s anguish.
 * “SQUEEEZE ME DADDY.” Nargo gurgled under the water. Malcolm turned around and shot the zombies that was grabbing Nargo’s ankles. The bullet blasted through the creature’s skull, killing it instantly. Even though he was free, Nargo stayed underwater and drowned himself so he could join Lethan in paradise. His paradise was lost, however, when Kerhsgib reached into the water and pulled Nargo out. The zombie Malcolm killed rushed down the waterfall and landed on top of Strongback.
 * Varlan, Malcolm, Kerhsgib, and Nargo finished off the remaining zombies attacking them. The corpses fell into the water and also dropped on top of Strongback. Buried on top of five or so rotting corpses, Strongback squirmed desperately out from under the pile. Stönback, inside the coffin, danced around like mad, flailing about, splashing all around, having an extremely fun time. In fact, they had to pry his cold stone-like, completely hollow body out with a crowbar.
 * The zombies had been dealt with and the battle had ended. Varlan, Nargo, and Kerhsgib slid down the waterfall to meet up with the back bros. Malcolm stayed at the top of the falls, watchin’ out for any more zombies.
 * The lads sloshed around a little bit, until suddenly the ceiling caved in, separating Varlan from the rest of the group. No one cared, in fact, no one even noticed when Varlan seemingly vanished into thin air. “Hey, wasn’t there another guy with us just a couple seconds ago?” Kerhsgib asked. Susback promptly replied, “Sus up.”
 * Kerhsgib knew what to do, he had to stop all the ghosts who were comin’ through,  and quickly slimed his hand to the grip of his iron pick. He started mining away and ended up completely blocking off Varlan. The small chance he had of squirming back to the safety of the Mad Lads’ clutches was utterly destroyed by the Candyman.
 * Stönback, free from the coffin and no longer having funinabox, strolled down a narrow path and was ambushed by some creepy zombies.
 * They searched around a little bit more, did some sus, then took a load off.
 * SESSION END!